Babies For My Son

29
Nov

#32 – The Swee Pea Baby
Posted by Shawn Bowers

I would imagine that Popeye was a really insecure guy. He’s a scrawny sailor with a miserable squint, he dresses in antiquated clothing, and he’s constantly being threatened by a “friend” who wants nothing more than to kidnap and sexually assault his wife. You can eat all the spinach you want, but it’s not going to take away from the fact that this stuff keeps happening. He keeps coming back, and she keeps getting wrapped up in this web of turmoil that’s doing nothing but hurting a family.

Trapped in the middle of this hurricane of a home life is baby Swee Pea. Yes, that’s how it’s spelled. I assume that back when Popeye was invented, his creator ran out of “ink money” before he could finish deciding how to spell the first name. Sure, I could finish it now with my expensive computer typing, but I prefer to honor the traditions set forth by my predecessors. Anyway, I think we all know that this baby has no idea what it’s supposed to be dressed as, and years from now when a 16-year-old This Baby looks at this photo and asks why it’s dressed as a Tapering Sailor, her dad will say “Oh honey, that’s the year our family went as the Popeye Universe,” to which the kid will say “Who’s Popeye?” before retinal scanning it on her Xbox Phone.

Even though this baby may not be recognizable, you better recognize that I’m NEVER NOT COMING FOR YOU, STEXXX. EVEN WHEN I’M ASLEEP AT NIGHT, MY HANDS DO THAT CHOKING MOTION LIKE THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A DOG RUNNING IN HIS SLEEP. HURTING YOU IS MY INSTINCT.

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27
Nov

#29-31 – The Turkey Babies (Pre and Post Dinner)
Posted by Shawn Bowers

Do the math. A baby weighs, what, about 40 pounds after awhile? I wasn’t around during that stage of Brand’s life to know for sure. A turkey, full cooked, weighs about 10 pounds. That means, realistically, you could fit 4 turkeys inside of a single baby. But what if the scenario was reversed? Well if this scientist’s evidence below is any indication, the answer is 1. That said, I think we can all agree that trying to fit 2 babies into a single turkey costume would be a sight.

When these babies gets upset, they obviously cry “goo goo, gobble gobble,” which is hilarious. I guess technically that would be like a human/turkey hybrid baby, because half of that was a human phrase. Unless the turkey baby had a human teacher, but I imagine most humans are too busy slaughtering and eating turkeys as a form of entertainment to bother taking the time to teach them something too. Humans like the people who put their baby in the last costume, complete with a presentation plate. ”I’d like one presentation plate for my cooked baby costume,” said the questionable parent.

On the subject of teaching, I’ll teach you to MESS WITH ME, STEXXX. THAT’S ONE TEACHING PROFESSION I’D BE QUALIFIED FOR WITHOUT CERTIFICATION, BECAUSE MY FIST IS THE ONLY CERTIFICATE I NEED TO GRADUATE YOUR FACE INTO THE PAVEMENT ONCE I GET MY SON BACK.

Order it here!

Found here!

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05
Nov

#28 – The Rich Pompous Asshole Baby
Posted by Shawn Bowers

What’s that, baby? Oh, you’ve just come in from the back nine and you’re wanting your lobster dinner to be room temperature and on the table by the time you get the Porsche in the garage? No problem, let me just stop occupying Wall Street or whatever long enough to take care of your special dreams for you.

Where does this baby get off? Probably the bus stop at Billionaire Avenue, that’s where. Aside from the fact that he’s wearing a shirt, a necktie, a vest, pants, high socks, dapper booties, and a cap made from an armrest cover, he’s got a tiny set of golf clubs that probably cost extra thousands of dollars to make them small enough for his tiny hands. Well here’s some news, kid. Three clubs and no putter ain’t gonna get you anywhere aside from knee deep in a sand trap.

It’s hard for me to look at this baby because all I can think about is Brand. This kid is puffin’ baby food cigars and lighting money on fire to provoke giggles in the crib while my son Brand is out there waiting for his dad to stop dicking around long enough to pay this insane ransom. Most insane of all is HOW HARD I’M GOING TO COME FIND YOU, STEXXX. YOU THINK YOU CAN HIDE UP IN A PENTHOUSE TOWER WITH ALL YOUR FORTUNE FRIENDS, BUT I’LL HAVE YOU TAKEN DOWN AND TIED UP IN A SEWER FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY “HOLLER BILLS.”

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06
Sep

#27 – The Leopard Toga Superman Baby?
Posted by Shawn Bowers

Listen, I’m not easily impressed. I once audibly scoffed during a Cirque de Soleil show, if that gives you any idea. But when I see anything, baby or otherwise, lifting anywhere NEAR 1000 pounds, that’s the kind of thing that’s going to make me screech my convertible to a halt and lower my sunglasses.

Now I don’t know if this is real or if somehow it’s faked and the whole thing is just a prank, but this is the most muscular baby I have ever seen. Like…the baby has rippling pec muscles, which is just unfathomable. What kind of workouts is he doing? Is this baby on the Dwayne Johnson diet? If I were that muscular, I would request to wear my “leopard toga Superman” costume every year, even when I was an adult. Now obviously, this will become less impressive as he becomes an adult, because every adult can lift this much weight, but just…jesus. And to just be casually holding it as his waist like that as if it’s “no thing.”

So yeah, I’m not really sure who “leopard toga Superman” is supposed to be and that’s not technically the name of this costume. On Amazon, it’s referred to as a “muscle man” costume, but the only “costume” things I’m seeing here are the outfit. Maybe the headband makes it a muscle man, maybe that’s common amongst the bodybuilding community? I don’t know.

WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT I’M GOING TO RECRUIT THIS BABY AND COME FIND YOU, STEXXX, TO PUNCH YOU WITH THE MIGHT OF ALL OF HIS AUTHENTIC, RIPPLING MUSCLES AND YOUR FACE WON’T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST HIM.

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28
Jul

#26 – The Michael Jackson Baby
Posted by Shawn Bowers

Michael Jackson was a really inspiration guy in terms of his love for children, so it only makes sense that you would want to dress your baby up like him. It begs the question, does this baby now touch adults inappropriately? Or does he just grope fetuses or embryos or something like that? I imagine that he’s touching somebody inappropriately, I just have to figure out who.

Some would say that Michael Jackson also did music. I don’t want to get political, so I’m not going to dwell on that stuff, but part of me is also suspicious that this is supposed to be a white Sinbad baby. The fact that there are enough similarities between Michael Jackson and Sinbad in general wardrobe and hair is a thing unto itself.

What will always be a thing is my desire to TOUCH STEXXX INAPPROPRIATELY BY PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE FOR STEALING MY SON. YOU BETTER BEAT IT, MAN IN THE MIRROR, BECAUSE I’M GOING TO PYT YOUR ASS BACK TO NEVERLAND. THE PYT STANDS FOR “PUNCH YOUR THROAT.”

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27
Jul

#25 – The Pizza Who Is Also A Chef Baby
Posted by Shawn Bowers

Let’s imagine that World War II involved Fat People trying to exterminate the Pizza race because they were hungry. Okay? This costume portrays that slice of Pizza that really wanted to survive, so he made a deal with the Fat People to cook other Pizzas and serve them up. That’s what this is. This is a WWII Pizza traitor.

It’s also a baby, though, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that one of Brand’s favorite foods was generic pizza. Generic pizza is just pizza crust without any toppings on it, not even cheese. Mostly, Brand liked round bread, and see this baby so happily wrapped up in a triangular slice of circle bread really makes me miss him.

How appropriate, then, that I mention WWII, because the WORLD WAR BETWEEN ME AND STEXXX IS GOING TO COME TO A HEAD AS SOON AS I GET 475 MORE PHOTOS OF BABIES IN COSTUMES AND GET MY BOY BACK. YOU HEAR ME? I HAVE TIME, STEXXX! ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!

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26
Jul

#24 – The Susan Boyle Baby
Posted by Shawn Bowers

That Susan Boyle was a real inspiration. ”Dream a dream” and all that, y’know? Then she became a coked up diva and was found dead in her apartment at the age of 27. Sometimes young life can’t keep up with young whatever, right?

Anyway, somebody tried to tell me that this was a Raggedy Ann costume, to which I said “are you LOOKING at this baby?” The face, the clothes, it all points to Susan Boyle, a rags-to-riches story that inspired a nation.

I’m going to inspire the nation of my FIST WHEN I PUNCH YOU IN THE LIGHT SOCKETS FOR STEALING MY SON, STEXXX. THERE’S GOING TO A BOYLE ORDER ON THE ENTIRE COUNTY OF MY FOOT WHEN I COME TO KICK YOUR ASS, YOU MISERABLE CUR.

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25
Jul

#23 – The Black Green Lantern Baby
Posted by Shawn Bowers

The recent “hit film” Green Lantern featured Hal Jordan, the original bearer of the ring. But there have been many Green Lanterns over the years, including a redhead, a guy with black hair, an old guy and a black guy. That last one really hit home for somebody, because they made their baby into it.

Obviously, the idea that babies can be heroes is preposterous. They don’t have strength, they drool everywhere and many of them can’t even stand yet. But if a baby had to be a superhero, the Green Lantern makes a lot of sense. The ring is powered by imagination, so they could probably just think of dinosaurs wearing hats all the time and automatically win every battle because what can beat a dinosaur feeling good about the cool hat it’s wearing?

I’LL TELL YOU WHAT COULD BEAT IT. ME, WHEN I’M OUT ON A RAMPAGE LOOKING FOR YOU, STEXXX. AND WHEN I FIND YOU, I WON’T STOP TO TAKE MY HAT OFF BEFORE I USE MY DINOSAUR TEETH TO TEAR YOU APART. GREEN LANTERN’S LIGHT!

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Previous Posts

Jul 24, 2011
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#22 – The Chipotle 18th Anniversary Baby
Recently, Chipotle celebrated their 18th birthday by wrapping their burritos in gold foil for awhile. They also had a contest where people could wrap things in gold foil to win bags of money or something. Thanks to a reader submission from Victoria P, we have photo proof of what I can only assume was a...
Mar 03, 2011
No Comments

#21 – The Teddy Roosevelt Baby
Somewhere, in an alternate universe populated by people with only slightly different human DNA (OMG, THE EVENT YOU GUYS), there existed a hit Saturday morning cartoon called President...